Christmas, also Pain in the Neck!

Well I am truly enjoying this Christmas break, and that has been a wonderful surprise. I was so anxious about this holiday season, and it has been amazing - I've been feeling really good and positive and hopeful. Christmas day was a bit more stressful than may have been ideal - it was a harder day for my grandma (some days are better than others), so that was sad. However, it was still a wonderful day with my family and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm slowly becoming ok with change - well, maybe not ok with it, but at least able to face it and be optimistic about it. Traditions are nice, and I love them, but I'm realizing they don't have to be set in stone. If they were, new traditions would never get made.

As for presents, I can honestly say the best gifts I've received haven't been the material ones! The best gifts have been the times I've gotten to spend with friends who aren't always in town or who I just don't get to see very often, and even the material gifts I've gotten have been so thoughtful and meaningful. I've really enjoyed being able to give gifts as well. I love the feeling of knowing that someone appreciates the thought I put into whatever I bought or made for them. (I will say, though, getting the Keurig coffee maker I asked for was pretty freakin' awesome... I'm officially on my way to being a coffee addict!)

I'm looking forward to enjoying my last week of Christmas break... it seems to fly by so quickly after Christmas day. I've gotten to spend a lot of quality time with my parents this break and that's been amazing. I love them both so much, and I'm looking forward to another year of our family New Years Eve traditions of board games, appetizers and watching the festivities on television.

I will ask to those reading, for prayers for healing for my neck and shoulder, however. Starting Thursday morning I have had lots of pain in the left side of my neck and my left shoulder, and it has been coming and going ever since. Today has been the worst day by far, with me waking up at 5:30 wanting to cry and not being able to move at all without pain. It's been slowly easing off throughout the day, but I would like to be completely pain free as soon as possible. Also, I'd like to ask for prayer for my family and I - we may or may not be having some big decisions to make in the coming weeks, and we are seeking His guidance and trusting that what's meant to happen will happen. Thank you for your prayers :)

I hope every one has a wonderful and safe New Years to usher in 2013 - I'm very excited for the coming year and everything it holds for me, my family and friends.

♥

Love You... Bunches and Bunches

So very thankful...

I plucked up the courage to finally go with my mom to visit my grandma in her assisted living home today, after weeks of finding reasons not to, because I was too nervous and afraid to be around her. I was pleasantly surprised with how well our trip went today! No, she's not as healthy as she was even six months ago, and yes, her dementia sometimes has me wondering what goes on inside her head - if she's still "in there" or not, and it can be sad that she doesn't have the same spark, the same sharp wit she used to - but she's still my grandma. She still loves me, and she still remembers who I am, which really is all that matters. Everything else is my problem, not hers. So today, getting to spend time with her and my mom at her hair and nail appointment, and at lunch, was truly a blessing. All I had to do was slow down long enough and take the time to pay attention and listen to be given reasons to smile. She loves me "bunches and bunches" in her words. And when I told her that I got straight A's this semester, just expecting a smile and an ok, she smiled and said ok... but then, after a pause, she grinned at me and said, "You got straight A's? That's wonderful!". That moment alone was reason enough for me to be glad that I took the time to visit her, instead of wasting my time at home feeling guilty.

In light of the events of last week, during a time when so many families are mourning, and don't have the opportunity to be with one another, I'm glad that I have so many opportunities to spend with my loved ones. I've passed up too many of those opportunities, and I'm thankful that I still have time to take advantage of the ones that occur. A lot of people don't have that opportunity - none of us know what tomorrow will bring, we don't know how many opportunities we will have to tell someone we love them, to sit with them and hold their hand, to share a joke and a laugh together. Subconsciously we are aware of this, but so often we still waste time, still put off visiting loved ones or calling them up - we think we're too busy, or whatever the case may be, and that we will always have another opportunity to make up for lost time. Especially during the hectic-ness of the holiday season - the parties, the shopping, the wrapping, etc. it's easy to put off what's really important. As we saw from last Friday's events, we don't always have the opportunity. Why in the world would you wait any longer to take time out of your schedule to spend time with someone you love, that you haven't seen or talked to in awhile?

I love my family and I realize more and more the older I get how blessed I am by them. So in the course of this holiday season, while I'm finishing up paintings, wrapping presents, scheduling times to meet up with friends who are in town, leaving town, or visiting, going to Church services and Christmas parties, running errands and preparing for a new semester of school, I am making a promise to not put aside time with my family, to make them a priority, and to remind myself what's really important, this time and every time of the year.

♥

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I've been in a really positive place the last couple weeks, and I'm incredibly thankful. I know it has a lot to do with my being more focused and intentional in my quiet time with God, and, oddly enough, the situation at Summit has caused me to really push in closer to Him, even in the midst of a crappy situation. It's really starting to feel like the holiday season!

Today I got to feel like Santa! I took the toys our family bought for the City Life Club kids over to Erika's house today to be wrapped. Words can't describe how excited I am to participate in my first CLC Christmas party tomorrow... I have fallen in love with these kids, and I just want to see the joy on their faces when they open the gifts that they might not have received otherwise. I also drove down to the Zebra Coalition house with Ana, and we dropped off a few bags of donations for their Holiday Drive. It made me so happy to see how many donations they've already received, just after two days of the drive being open! We got the chance to chat with Dexter for a couple of minutes too. He is one of the sweetest men I've ever met. I hope I get the chance to go back with Ana next week to help start sorting out the donations. Any chance I get to volunteer with Zebra, I'm going to take.
Ana and I also got to have good conversations about Les Miserables, Once Upon a Time and Walking Dead, among other things.

I'm in the process of pulling together my Christmas gifts for friends and family, and I have to say while it can be stressful sometimes, especially when you have friends like Charlie who are really hard to figure out what to get/make, this is my favorite part of the Christmas season. I love trying to figure out something personal and thoughtful that the person will know is meant specifically for them. I love seeing the happiness that it brings to the people I care about. The older I get, the more I care about what I give than what I receive, and really that's the way it should be - not just at Christmastime, but year round! If we could always have "the Holiday Spirit" even in the heat of the summer, I think we'd all be a lot nicer to one another.

I'm looking forward to inducting Megan into the world of White Christmas tomorrow, it's my all time favorite holiday movie, and she's never seen it! The closer it gets to Christmas the more joyful I find myself becoming, which is really amazing, considering that before Thanksgiving I was dreading the holidays this year. It's all because of Him, and I am so incredibly thankful.

Finally! An Update!

It's been forever since I posted, because, lets be honest - I'm awful at sticking to things I start. Also, the end of this semester has been pretty crazy. A lot has happened both good and bad, and I won't even try to recap everything. The most important things are:

1. Zebra Coalition's new house is open, and I'm excited to see what the future holds for me as a volunteer at Zebra
2. My church (Summit) is in a time of hurt and healing due to the senior pastor resigning due to an affair he's been having over the past year, and other allegations. 
3. The semester is OVER! And I'm pretty sure I've managed straight A's for the first time since I got to college
4. I highly recommend the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson; I just finished the final book, and am now moving on to tackling Victor Hugo's Les Miserables
5. I've really missed painting
6. I realize more and more every day how blessed I am by my parents, and by my community at Wesley. God's put a lot of awesome people in my life. 
7. and finally, it's almost CHRISTMAS!

That barely skims the surface of everything that is going on in my head right now, but it will have to do! I am very excited to see what God has planned for me over the next month, and as the new year begins. I feel really positive, and think that 2013 is going to be a super awesome year. 

I'm hoping to update more regularly, but I won't make any promises... I will do my best, though!

Positive Thoughts for the Day

I'm really blessed to be a part of the community of CFL Wesley. Those who know me know how important Wesley has been in my life, and honestly I probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for the relationships that I have built in my almost 3 years in this campus ministry. It's been wonderful to step up as a leader this semester, and now even go a step further and join student staff. It's my way of being able to pour back into the ministry that poured into (and still pours into) me. Tonight the community group that Will, Jeanne and I lead will just be having a fun time as a "family" sharing yummy snacks, playing fun games and tie-dying our shirts for our team for fall retreat. I can't believe fall retreat is next weekend! It's one of my favorite parts of the fall semester with Wesley, and the fact that our community group is so close knit and gets along together so well will only make the weekend better.

I say all this because 99% of the friendships I have right now were formed through Wesley. What's awesome about these relationships is that they go way beyond the surface level, and I am encouraged all the time by the quality time and conversations I have with my friends that I've made. Last night during worship at Wesley, I was overcome with joy and love that I felt for one of my friends, knowing that we have been able to support one another during hard times, and that we have the type of relationship that we can pray for and intercede for one another. Another friend and I have begun to have coffee on a (usually) weekly basis, and it's so amazing to know I have that outlet to have really encouraging, fun and thoughtful conversations. Today we talked about her new (awesome!) relationship with an amazing guy, my not so lucky love-life, the things that God is doing in both our lives, family stuff, fun stuff, etc. I was able to share with her something I feel God is confirming in my life, and the encouragement and positivity she gave me was amazing, and helped me feel like I'm on the right track.

I've had a handful of really good, strong friendships throughout my life, and some of them still exist today, but I would have to say that it wasn't until I got to college, and until I found CFL Wesley that I discovered how to form valuable, lasting friendships. I will be forever thankful for these friendships, and know that many of them will last well beyond college.

Finding my Spark (again)

So this past week was definitely a difficult one. I struggled with a lot of insecurities and negative thoughts, and loneliness. It got to the point where it was hard to feel motivated in my classes, and even in my responsibilities at Wesley. I was just feeling distant and, because I can be petulant, I didn't really go to God with how I was feeling.

Today was a nice change, though, starting with my prayer time before bed last night. It was one of those times where I felt like I was having a dialogue with Him, and finished that time feeling peaceful. The early part of today was a nice little excursion down to Winter Park with my friend Ana to see our friend Megan at the cafe she works at, and to go to the art festival in the park. It ended up being really hot, but it was fun nonetheless. Summit was what really helped me today. The worship tonight was absolutely wonderful, especially the last song that we sang. I'll post it at the end of this post. It was another instance of feeling extremely connected to God, and feeling like I was hearing from Him.

The sermon tonight was about being faithful where we are at, not waiting for everything to be perfect or calm, or get everything right with others, because if we wait, we'll never be faithful. It also touched on being open to things that we had never considered before, because God might have great blessings in those areas that we didn't know we wanted. For me, lately I've felt more and more like God may be calling to serve and love on those in the LGBTQ community. From my experience with Zebra Coalition, to the relationships I have made with friends who consider themselves LGBTQ, I am beginning to realize that one of the best ways I can show God's love on this Earth is to love those whom many cast out. That's exactly what Jesus did, and I am called to live, and love, like Him.

I'm also excited to begin serving more at Wesley with Student Staff tomorrow. I think I'm beginning to get my spark back. I just need to keep focusing more on Him and living out my faith in Him, than on myself.

Proud of my Zebra Stripes

Today was so awesome! It was Orlando's Come Out with PRIDE festival, and I, along with my friend Ana, and some of my classmates, volunteered with an agency called Zebra Coalition for the better part of the day. It was hot, miserable, sweaty, and I have probably the worst sunburn I've ever had, but it was SO worth it. 

Zebra Coalition is an umbrella agency that provides a full range of services to at risk LGBTQ youth, including a safe house, homeless shelter, crisis hotline, and connections with education resources, counseling and resources for domestic abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse, etc. It's such an amazing agency and provides priceless services to one of the most vulnerable populations in our country. Today we had a raffle for an xBox, and a yamaha scooter, amazing shirts and other merchandise to raise money, information walls and tables, airbrush tattoos, and even live animals from the central florida zoo. 

It was an amazing experience for me. I know a lot of people I know might wonder why in the world I was at this event, and would even dare to question my faith or my beliefs, and that makes me really sad. Regardless of my personal beliefs on homosexuality in regards to one's spiritual life, I do know that God did not create a single being he does not love, and that Jesus' ministry on earth was with the "fringe" of society... that He spent his time on Earth loving on and spending time with and defending those that others would not. For that reason, I am supportive of the LGBTQ community, and believe that they deserve to be treated no differently than anyone else. Like Zebra Coalition's inspiration of how  no two zebras have the same stripes, we are ALL different, and we are ALL loved by God. 

I truly enjoyed being able to witness the diversity of His creation today, and the range of personalities, faces, and ideals that all came out to support PRIDE. I saw couples both gay and straight, people from ages 1-80, people in costume, people with dogs, Christians and athiests. And the amazing thing was that, for the most part, everyone was smiling, everyone was polite, and no one had to feel like they weren't supposed to be there. 

Ana and I with an awesome Drag Queen who was sweet enough to take a picture with us!

It was amazing to be there as a volunteer, and I sincerely hope that we were able to reach at least one person who might've been in need of our services, and at the very least, that we informed people who didn't know that a group like us was out there or even existed. This was much more than fulfilling service learning hours for me, it was an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. :) (although I might give up the awful sunburn...)

Coffee, Community & Cheerfulness

Since my last post, this week has been really good! I've seen so many ways that God has blessed me this week, and I think that's pretty awesome.

Wesley was amazing Tuesday night. Erwin's message on Psalm 23 spoke to my heart, and encouraged me. Alex, Ben and Erika's worship helped me to connect with Him, and it felt like so much more than just singing words, like worship can sometimes feel, but like true communion with Him. Even though leadership was a little serious, with sad news, God also used it to tug on my heart, and to show me another area in which I can serve - on Student staff at wesley! I think it will be a good way for me to focus outside of myself.

Wesley also announced its summer missions trips (discovery trips!) on Tuesday. We are going to The Bahamas, Florida City and Nigeria this year. I honestly am kind of flummoxed as to which trip I am going to go on, because I am feeling called where I was not expecting to feel called. Last year, I felt a tug on my heart to go to India, and I know that I'm going to end up there some day, some way. But I wouldn't trade my experiences in New Orleans for anything. So this year I was sure that I was going to go on an overseas mission this summer! But when we discussed the trips after Wesley, I began to feel a tug on my heart for the Florida City mission, where we will be spending the week with kids, just loving on them and giving them somewhere to go during the summer, and working with some of the farmworkers there. Nigeria would be an amazing experience too though! And there are so many other variables that I'm thinking about too... whether or not I will have another opportunity to go over seas with Wesley, prices, etc... Needless to say I will be praying a lot for guidance and direction.

Community group last night was really lovely as well... I know that God put me in place as a co-leader of this group for a reason, and that each member was led to this group for a reason as well. We all mesh well, get along, and are able to be open with one another. It's a weekly reminder about how amazing the community at Wesley is, and how valuable it has been and continues to be in my life. I'm looking forward to Fall Retreat in a few weeks, and I think that if we are already in such a good place, that by the end of the semester we will be a little family unit! :)

If you're wondering why I included coffee in the title of this post, it's because I think I'm officially addicted... I didn't start drinking coffee til this summer, and I still can't drink just plain coffee, because its too bitter. But I have to say, I'm really starting to love it. And now that I'm on that caffeine kick, I don't think I can get off it! I even gave in and got a Starbucks rewards card. I'm going to be really sad when they take the seasonal drinks away again... Guess that's just an excuse to get as many as I can before the end of the year! :)

Not Content

This weekend basically flew by... Kind of like this entire semester so far! I can't believe that today was the first day of October. It definitely doesn't feel like it yet, here in Florida. I am so ready for cooler weather, and really jealous that my parents are in 50 degree weather right now, and get to see the fall leaves.

Summit was wonderful last night, Issac's message really spoke to my heart, and they played two of my favorite hymns, Come Thou Fount and In Christ Alone. There were moments last night that touched me in a way that I can't properly express in words. For those who know me, it's pretty obvious that I have extremely low self esteem and self worth, and it's hard for me to accept love from others, especially from God. Issac spoke on 2 Peter 1:3-9, to start off a new sermon series. His commentary on verses 3-4 was something I definitely needed to hear. The verses state,

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."


Can we just take a minute to think about how amazing it is that God's given us everything we need already? How much time do you spend a day thinking about the things you don't have - and I don't mean just material things, but the relationships, the praise, the good feelings - and wishing that you had more? I know for me, it is way way too much. It all comes down to trust, if we could just trust Him enough, trust in His provision and love, we would realize that He has given us everything we need to live a full and fulfilling life.

This is extremely hard for me. To believe that He loves me so much, so completely. After I repeatedly fail, again and again, to live my life fully for Him, to be so in love with Him that nothing else matters. I can talk about how wonderful His provision and love are, but if I can't accept it, and if I can't let that love guide my every action, ultimately it is as if I never accepted Him in the first place. I am at the place right now, a season some would call it, of extreme internal struggle. I don't know what the best route is to try and figure out how to accept His love... if I should go more the route of reason, of apologeticism, or rely strictly upon prayer, and spiritual trust. I would guess that a combination of the two would be ideal, but I don't really know where to start. I am not content with just coasting through life though, with going through the motions.

I'm not content.

Read This!

"The Homeless Guy: Winners And Losers: This has got to stop.    I'm not sure if this is a growing trend, or a trend that is just now coming to light because of the internet, but e..."


Just wanted to share this great post from a blog I discovered this evening. It's something that we should all keep in mind, whether we are discussing who we are voting for this November, which football team we think is best, or the things we believe to be true about God. 

"If we could just keep this in mind when we discuss things, we would be much better off. We would be more open minded, willing to admit our mistakes, and from that we would grow, both intellectually, and in character."

Couldn't have put it better myself!

Rainy Friday

Today's been kind of a "blah" day. Last night on my way to class, my service engine light came on in my car, so for the better part of today it was in the shop, getting a new fuel pump. I'm thankful for my car, but since we bought it the beginning of August, we've taken it in for various reasons a total of 3 times. I'm starting to worry about the longevity of it.

It probably hasn't helped my emotional health that I've just been on my own most of the day at home, not really doing anything productive. That tends to bring me down. But something that definitely hasn't helped is watching the news through the course of the day. I know its standard fodder for the daily news, but for some reason the seemingly endless stream of violence, crime, injustice, etc. really got to me today. An estranged boyfriend/husband taking the life of his wife, her coworker, and himself, and attempting to kill his wife's friend, someone burying a helpless puppy alive, a man taking his own life after a car chase, the news catching it live.... It's sad that we watch these things and basically just go, "Oh great, look what happened today. Jeez." And then go about our days! We're desensitized to these things, and that's not okay.

It's probably not healthy to dwell too much on things like these, but when I sit and I think about all of the horrible things that we as humans commit every single day, it breaks my heart. We are one of the only species capable of maliciously, with forethought and premeditation, emotionally/physically/psychologically/etc. harming our fellows. Why are we so often filled with so much hate?

In all honesty, some days it just makes me want to throw up my hands and say, I'm Done. But that's not an option, especially not as a follower of Christ. No, I may not be able to save everyone, I may not be able to see justice for everyone, I may not even be able to influence many people's lives. But I can do the best I can in my small sphere of influence. I can treat those I see with kindness, love, and respect, I can be the best friend, daughter, student I can be, I can make my life mean something, even if I only put one ripple into the sea, its one more ripple than was there before. I just have to keep reminding myself that, otherwise it's not even worth waking up in the morning.

Set a Fire Down in my Soul

Today was a good day. It feels like it's been an incredibly long time since I had a day that went as smoothly as today did. I even got an A on my first social work paper that was handed back to me, and I'd like to take that as a good sign... I've been rather nervous.

Today was also good in a different way. It made me think! Well I guess you could say that the seed was planted on Sunday night, when I was having some good, deep conversation with a couple of my good friends. We were talking about missions, and serving others, and about God's love for us and our call from Him for our lives. That vein of thought was continued today, when I had some time during my generalist practice class this morning, and my non profit seminar tonight, as well as at CFL Wesley.

I'm going to be completely honest - the last few weeks have been really hard for me, and I was really struggling with my faith and my passion. I realized that I've kind of been skimming the surface when it comes to my faith, and how I live it out, and that my passion for God and doing his work had kind of faded. It's one of those things that unless you stay on top of it you don't realize it's happened until it's already too late. I now have to go through the process of reconnecting and letting God re-spark that fire back in my heart. But I definitely think the match was lit today. In my non-profit class, P. J. Charles, the founder of Straight Street Ministries here in Orlando, spoke about his experience creating the ministry, and how his faith and passion for the Lord was the foundation of that. His talk got me thinking again about what I and my two friends discussed, about how so often we feel that we have to go some where different, somewhere exotic, to serve people in God's name. We raise thousands of dollars to get ourselves overseas for two weeks, when we could have sent the ministry we are "serving" that money directly and they could have put it to much more use!

In no way am I knocking overseas missions - they are extremely valuable, and I would like to go on one this summer, but it is important to remember that if we want to be servants, the best place to start is in our own back yard. For me, that is Central Florida. I don't have to go across the world to see the brokenness of our world, and I don't have to go across the world to see how God's love can heal some of that brokenness. I can be involved in City Life Club through Wesley, and put my all into loving on those kids who don't always get that love at home. I can help serve the homeless here in Orlando, rather than having to go to New Orleans to do it (although my trip to New Orleans I would not give up for the world!). I can donate to to non profits and ministries that seek justice for people, ministries like Florida Abolitionist who seek to end modern day slavery and human trafficking. And that barely scratches the surface of opportunities right here in my own hometown in which I can serve others and show the world His love.

Today and this past weekend definitely gave me some good perspective on my life, and the path that I'm on right now. It renewed my passion for Social Work and reminded me of why I chose this field in the first place. It reminded me that ultimately, everything I do on this earth is not for my glory, but for His, that those around me should be able to see His love through me always, not just when I shout it from the rooftops. Joyful servanthood should be a lifestyle, not a 10 day trip during the summer.

I'm incredibly thankful for these reminders, and I simply pray that God will give me the strength, guidance and courage to make the changes I need to make to live them out continuously.

<3

Back to Blogging

So, I used to blog a lot... like a whole lot. I used Tumblr, which I still have but don't really use anymore. It's got a lot of extra stuff besides just blogging, and I decided today that I want to get back to blogging, in a more simplified way.

I'm not planning on this being anything amazing, groundbreaking or super interesting. I just want somewhere to "think out loud" and process life. I'll probably share things that make me really happy, make me think, or upset me. I'm hoping to keep track of my road to social work (I'm in the School of Social Work BSW program at UCF right now), my experiences with CFL Wesley, and my efforts to live my life in a way that God's love for us shines through.

I'm still figuring out what that looks like for me. I'm planning on this next year, starting now, being a year of growth and change. I definitely know that my college years have already been full of those things, and I expect them to continue to push me to be the best me that I can be.

Stay tuned for more.

<3