Not Content

This weekend basically flew by... Kind of like this entire semester so far! I can't believe that today was the first day of October. It definitely doesn't feel like it yet, here in Florida. I am so ready for cooler weather, and really jealous that my parents are in 50 degree weather right now, and get to see the fall leaves.

Summit was wonderful last night, Issac's message really spoke to my heart, and they played two of my favorite hymns, Come Thou Fount and In Christ Alone. There were moments last night that touched me in a way that I can't properly express in words. For those who know me, it's pretty obvious that I have extremely low self esteem and self worth, and it's hard for me to accept love from others, especially from God. Issac spoke on 2 Peter 1:3-9, to start off a new sermon series. His commentary on verses 3-4 was something I definitely needed to hear. The verses state,

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."


Can we just take a minute to think about how amazing it is that God's given us everything we need already? How much time do you spend a day thinking about the things you don't have - and I don't mean just material things, but the relationships, the praise, the good feelings - and wishing that you had more? I know for me, it is way way too much. It all comes down to trust, if we could just trust Him enough, trust in His provision and love, we would realize that He has given us everything we need to live a full and fulfilling life.

This is extremely hard for me. To believe that He loves me so much, so completely. After I repeatedly fail, again and again, to live my life fully for Him, to be so in love with Him that nothing else matters. I can talk about how wonderful His provision and love are, but if I can't accept it, and if I can't let that love guide my every action, ultimately it is as if I never accepted Him in the first place. I am at the place right now, a season some would call it, of extreme internal struggle. I don't know what the best route is to try and figure out how to accept His love... if I should go more the route of reason, of apologeticism, or rely strictly upon prayer, and spiritual trust. I would guess that a combination of the two would be ideal, but I don't really know where to start. I am not content with just coasting through life though, with going through the motions.

I'm not content.