It's been a total of four full days since my parents packed their things and officially moved to Winston-Salem, North Carolina, relocating for my dad's new job at Wells Fargo. The job, and the location, are blessings, and after almost a full year of being unemployed, I know my dad is already getting back into the groove of a 9 to 5 job, and that God provided exactly when it was needed - no sooner and no later.
However, the transition has not been easy, and it's only the beginning. I'm not going to lie, I've had a really hard time adjusting to "real adult life". The timing is about is good as a move that splits up a household can get, seeing that it's summer, but personally, the timing's been pretty crappy. It's been a hard summer, for lots of different reasons, and so having the added stress of a new family situation, as well as preparing to have two new roommates, has been really difficult. I've cried more times than I would like to admit in the last four days, and, as pathetic as it may sound, being alone in my house is one of my least favorite things. I may be an introvert, but I do need that human interaction... Pinterest, movies and bad reality tv only get me so far. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who have a lot of grace for me, as well as a lot of love, and have been helping me deal with this new life.
That being said, I can see glimpses of it getting better, and as long as I keep a positive attitude, I can be assured that it will be alright. It's a new normal, and that's going to take time to get used to. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible. I think part of the reason things have been so tough since I've been back from Haiti is that I've let bad habits and laziness creep their way back in from the disciplined and continuous communication I had with God while I was in Haiti. It was easy there to wake up, and go up to the roof to spend time journaling and reading my Bible, it was easy to see God moving in my life and the lives of my teammates and the people we spent time with, it was easy to see how powerful prayer can be. Real life has a way of clouding things, seeping in and crusting over like mold on bread that's been left in the dark for too long. My spiritual life's become like that bread, because I've been neglecting the things that I know from experience are so beneficial - quiet, alone time with God, journaling, reading through my Bible, etc. And by neglecting those things, I've distanced myself from the Peace and the Reassurance that would be so beneficial in the midst of all of the chaos going on right now.
The other night at Summit I thought of it kind of like getting back to the gym. I've been wanting and talking about getting back to the gym, because I know I need to, but also because it provides some of the best natural relief from stress and sadness and anxiety. I've kept putting it off because I know that I've lost most of the progress I made before, and I'm going to basically have to start from scratch, which means lots of pushing through the pain, aching muscles and retraining my body to enjoy exercise. My spiritual life is basically in the same place. I've been putting off getting back into those good habits because I know it's going to be painful. I've let those "spiritual muscles" atrophy, and it's not going to be painless getting them back to where I want them to be. I tend to live my life, in lots of different areas, from a fear based point of view. Fear of what others will think of me, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not meeting my standards or the standards of those around me, fear of the truth about myself, and the list goes on. But if I live my life in fear forever, I'm never going to take those, as cliche as the phrase is, leaps of faith, that I need to to live the best possible life God has for me. I can live my life skating by at the bare minimum, but when the time comes and my time here is over, would I really be proud of a life story of bare minimums?
No, I wouldn't. Experiencing and actually living life requires risk. Failure to act and failure to make decisions are decisions in and of themselves, and they have their own consequences. As scary as it is, I'd rather deal with the consequences of taking some risks in my life, than the consequences of never trying to actually live.
It's easy to talk all this talk though, and I know it's not going to be easy to keep a positive attitude, to make better habits, to take those risks. It's going to suck at first, and it's probably going to suck at times even later down the road. But in the end, it's going to be worth it. I have to believe that, because otherwise, what's the point?
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Passion > Power
So, I've been SUPER angry lately. Mostly at people who wield their power over others, including me and my friends, in ways that stop the world from being as awesome as it should be. It's really frustrating to be in a field where passion and advocacy are taught and encouraged, but then when I look to those who hold power over me - administrators, professors, etc. - and see incompetency, or try to advocate for myself, or my friends, to be continually shut down. It's super disheartening, and quite frankly annoying.
As one of my favorite people put it to me today, "If you aren't passionate, go away!" I couldn't think of it any better. I know that it's not by accident that I am passionate about the things I'm passionate about, and that there is a reason for my passions. I've been discouraged recently that despite how passionate I am, I'll never have enough sway or power to do anything about the problems I see in the world. But with an attitude like that, I definitely won't - I defeat myself. Unless those of us who are passionate refuse to let those who have forgotten their passion bring us down, the world will not change. The status quo will not be challenged, and people will continue to be oppressed, forgotten and unloved.
BUT, if we ignite those passions, keep the fire burning, and add fuel so that it spreads beyond the handful of us who are passionate, we just might be able to enact some good in the world, and we just might come to the end of our lives not regretting our efforts. That is why I need to remember the words my role models tell me, to not let the one's who've forgotten bring me to forget, and to not let others' failures lead me to failure, and to pass them onto others, including my peers who may also be experiencing some of the same disillusionment I have been feeling.
You guys, we can do this. Who cares if there's red tape? Who cares if those with more power than us are incompetent? Who cares if we get challenged and shot down? Who cares if we aren't heard at first? WE DO, and that's why it won't always be that way. We care, and we are not going to just sit down and be silenced.
It's going to be hard sometimes.
It's going to suck.
We're going to get angry and cry.
But we're also going to come back fighting, and kick some people in the butt, and bring justice to this mess of a society.
Hang in there friends. We can do this.
As one of my favorite people put it to me today, "If you aren't passionate, go away!" I couldn't think of it any better. I know that it's not by accident that I am passionate about the things I'm passionate about, and that there is a reason for my passions. I've been discouraged recently that despite how passionate I am, I'll never have enough sway or power to do anything about the problems I see in the world. But with an attitude like that, I definitely won't - I defeat myself. Unless those of us who are passionate refuse to let those who have forgotten their passion bring us down, the world will not change. The status quo will not be challenged, and people will continue to be oppressed, forgotten and unloved.
BUT, if we ignite those passions, keep the fire burning, and add fuel so that it spreads beyond the handful of us who are passionate, we just might be able to enact some good in the world, and we just might come to the end of our lives not regretting our efforts. That is why I need to remember the words my role models tell me, to not let the one's who've forgotten bring me to forget, and to not let others' failures lead me to failure, and to pass them onto others, including my peers who may also be experiencing some of the same disillusionment I have been feeling.
You guys, we can do this. Who cares if there's red tape? Who cares if those with more power than us are incompetent? Who cares if we get challenged and shot down? Who cares if we aren't heard at first? WE DO, and that's why it won't always be that way. We care, and we are not going to just sit down and be silenced.
It's going to be hard sometimes.
It's going to suck.
We're going to get angry and cry.
But we're also going to come back fighting, and kick some people in the butt, and bring justice to this mess of a society.
Hang in there friends. We can do this.
Friday, May 17, 2013
A lesson in Dégagé - My trip to Haiti
I've been back from Haiti for almost 3 full days, and I have to say, it feels pretty strange. It's definitely been hard not feeling guilty for resting, and recovering from the cold that I brought back with me. So many of you who supported me, whether financially or thru prayer and encouragement, have been asking how it went, what it was like, what God did while we were there, etc. and I have to say it's been kind of overwhelming. I was talking with a friend today about how I've felt a weird dichotomy between wanting to share my experiences, and wanting to hold them close to myself and keep them safe, so that they aren't cheapened by sharing them with others. I'm not naive enough to think that my stories and memories will have the same effect on another person as they did on me, because no one else can experience it in the way I did, just like my teammate's experiences are unique to them, and can't be experienced by me in the same way.
However, I've been encouraged to share some of those impactful things, and I've been trying to figure out the best way to do that. What I've decided on is a hybrid - I'm going to go day by day, basically transcribing my journal entries, so that the same progression I saw in myself, others can see, however, I do plan on condensing, editing, and adding commentary where necessary, just for clarity's and privacy's sake. Things in italics are things that I added to my original journal entries.
I hope that those of you who read through this are encouraged, inspired or affected in some way. I know it's extremely long and detailed, so don't feel like you need to read it all - this is almost just as much for me to process through, as it is to share with others. However, I encourage you, if you have the chance, to go on a trip like this that you might not initially see your place in - I didn't know what my place would be in Haiti, and God rewarded me 10x over for putting myself out there in complete trust. Here it goes:
Day One - Saturday - Arrival in Haiti
I don't really even know how to put words to what I'm feeling right now. I had this sense of calm and little worry all through preparing for this trip, and during our travel, but I don't know if that was from God's peace or my naievity of the situations we'll be facing. We aren't even having to face much yet, because St. Joseph's is a relative oasis here in Haiti. But I have seen things that tugged at me - a kid by himself, begging for money next to our stopped van and nearly getting hit; an elderly woman sitting on the edge of the road with her hand out, just looking like she'd given up. A family with a toddler hanging out on their roof, visible from the rooftop garden of St. Joseph's, loving one another, playing, dancing, just living their lives. I can feel this sense of guilt, like i'm taking advantage of people by being here. That I'm in some way benefiting from other's struggles. I don't know yet what to feel or what to do. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, show me, open me to. I want to know how to gain what God wants for me without feeling like I'm taking advantage of the people here. What is going on in my heart that God wants me to pay attention to? How can I relate this experience to my life after the trip? Why I am I here?!
Day Two - Sunday - Worship at St. Joseph's and Visiting the Metalworks District
Last evening (Saturday) was really nice - after our team meeting, we were hanging our on the roof, and some of the boys came up to hang out with us. Ennerson and Steven came up first, and we split into two groups and played War, and then began to teach them how to play Egyptian Rat Slap - they really seemed to find it fun. Patrick, Ralph, and LuLu came up and joined, as well as Wislam and Gastee. Elizabeth, who is a long term missionary who divides her time between Wings and St. Joe's hung out too. We practiced more of our Kreyol and the boys helped us. I definitely felt more comfortable with the boys than I did at first, and it made my heart happy that they wanted to spend time with us.
Morning worship was interesting, I enjoyed it even though I couldn't understand most of it. I honestly think my favorite part was singing This is the Day and Jesus Loves me - all together, those of us from the States, and those from Haiti - because they are such simple songs, but were impactful because we were truly worshiping; worship is NOT about the lighting, the quality of instrumentation or the ability of the singer to emote the proper feeling - it's about being in the moment and connecting with God. We did that! After, we played darts with the boys, and sufice it to say, I wasn't good at all! We traveled around the city for the first time since our van ride to St. Joe's after that; we headed to Epidor for lunch, which was quite an experience. Epidor is the Haitian version of McDonald's, kind of, and has americanized food, but also Haitian staples. It was very overwhelming and hard to figure out how to order. We ended up with more food than we needed and some of it was pretty weird - Brook and Michael ended up with fish heads! After the Epidor we traveled by van to the metal market area of the city. Haitian metalwork is very popular, and can be seen all over the place. There are some beautiful pieces hanging in St. Joe's as well as Wings of Hope. The craftsmen who make the pieces earn their living by selling to tourists and NGO workers. I purchased my first souvineers there, including a mother's day present for my Mom.
Day Three - Monday - Mother Teresa's Hospital for Malnurished Babies, Talking with Michael
Today was definitely hard. We were only even at the MT Hospital for around three hours, and it was completely overwhelming. My stomach is still in knots. We got there this morning around 9am and were there until 12pm. It felt like much longer. We found out the babies aren't abandoned, but that their mothers bring them there because they're suffering from malnutrition and in most cases will bring them home again when they are healthy. The moms also come and visit as often as they can and we were actually there when many of the moms were visiting. I took to holding and playing with the babies much quicker than I expected to, but it was still a learning experience. I changed my first diaper, and began to learn how to know what babies want. The biggest thing they wanted was attention - just to be held, loved, recognized. One I specifically remember was Richmond, who was SO cute. He was old enough that he knew how to give high fives! He also liked to mime facial expressions that we made at him. It was one of the most adorable things ever. The rooms were divided into intake, where the sickest babies were, a room where they were beginning to get healthier, and a room where they are almost ready to go home. I think the most heartbreaking thing was a little girl who was three years old, but who appeared developmentally to be one year old. You could tell how delayed malnutrition had made her, both mentally and physically. Seeing her for the first time and Aubrey telling me how old she was, was the only time I almost lost it while we were there, I'm still kind of in shock.
We were all on edge when we got back - I think it was our way of coping with the devestation we'd seen. Later that evening we had the opportunity to sit with Michael, the founder of St. Joseph's Home for Boys, and the St. Joseph's Family, and here his testimony and heart for service. The following is my response to what he shared. Michael shared about his and the homes' firm spiritual belief that those who come to the home to visit are Christ embodied. He explained the purpose behind greeting us with a cup of cold water, a tradition passed down at St. Joe's from the very beginning, and turned something I hadn't even registered into a truly impactful memory. In his eyes, we ARE Christ, and by quenching our thirst, he not only serves us and blesses our lives, but reminds himself that he is called to recognize Christ in others and be Christ to them. He used the term "Christ in the other" as a reminder that each person we encounter on this trip is Christ - from the boys here, the babies we held, the people we will see the rest of this week and even each other on the team. Even taking this idea back home could have an incredible impact on how I relate with others, if I'm willing to let it. I liked how he stressed the imporance of relationships and one on one encounters, because I feel that not only is that something that Wesley works towards, but could do better, but that the American Church often overlooks completely.
Day Four - Tuesday - MT Home for the Dying and Going Downtown
Today was the hardest day yet for me. After breakfast we headed to Mother Teresa's home for the dying. I knew it would be hard, but I was not prepared for the hopelessness that hung to me after leaving. I was ok while we were there, and held it together, though. The first room we went to had mostly women who were older, but a couple of younger women. I underestimated how difficult the language barrier would be, and how much it would upset me that I couldn't understand better to help them. We started by putting lotion on them and giving massages. One lady, whose name I wish I remembered just seemed so joyful to have physical contact with someone. I just wish I could have talked more with her and been able to understand what she wanted. The second room we went to had mostly young women in their early 20's. We gave some massages but many of them wanted their nails done. There were a few in both rooms I was able to pray for, and even though they couldn't understand what I was saying, I hope they understood how much they were loved. They seemed to appreciate it. Lauren, Lisa and I played cat's cradle withs ome of the younger girls too. While we did, there was a near riot caused by some of they young men on the streets who were trying to force the sisters to give them food. They brandished guns when the other people got upset because the sister was forced to stop distributing food.
As we drove back to St. Joe's I just broke down. I'm not sure exactly what I was feeling, but I guess hopelessness would be the best word for it. The women we saw all had T.B. and knowing that many of them will spend the rest of their lives in and out of those conditions breaks my heart. Knowing that in an alternate universe Grandma would be somewhere like that made me sad too. That Poppa would have died in similar conditions if we lived in Haiti... Going downtown after lunch almost made it harder. Seeing the comparative difference in condition and knowing that the two can coexist within driving distance of one another is just unbelievable. I really disliked the market we went to downtown. It was claustrophobic and all the sellers were very pushy - just very stressful for me after the morning we had. HOwever, I think we bonded as a team through laughter and joking on multiple occasions today, which was an interesting juxtaposition to our morning.
Day Five - Wednesday - Citie Soleil and our First day at Wings of Hope
Today was a long but good day, at least for me, but it was definitely hard for a lot of the team. We went to Citie Soleil this morning, and it was the most poverty stricken area we've been to so far. Roseanne, a friend of the St. Joseph Family, who lives in Citie Soleil with her family, was supposed to give us a tour, but instead she got sick, and her son Pierre took as around. Their house was probably smaller than or about the size of my bedroom and bathroom combined. There are two very tiny rooms that five people share. We also talked with some guys we believed to be part of a gang that "runs" the area. They were nice to us though, but said some very convicting things. That they get hopeful when they see white people come visit because they hope that they will do something to help, but often, they just come, take pictures and leave. We talked as a team about how we don't want to be those people, and have all committed to each supporting Pierre and Roseanne and their family for at least a year to help continue construction on a house outside of Citie Soleil, which they've already begun.
We drove to Wings of Hope after lunch, and stopped at an overlook that you can see all of Port Au Prince from, on the way. Something that struck me that I still can't get over is that there was this restaurant with expensive wine and wrought iron chairs, overlooking a city full of slums, poverty, dying and abandoned people - and the patrons consider it a 'beautiful view'. I just don't understand how they can look at that poverty and not be moved to action! Anyway, we got to Wings in the pouring rain, which was extremely stressful. However, once we settled in, I realized how much I love it here. We jumped right into spending time with the kids after getting a quick tour of the home. They are so sweet, and I felt just a level of peace and near joy just smiling and talking with them, hanging out. I feel the most comfortable here, working with them, that I have all trip so far. The people here are all so unique, sweet and each one has a distinct spirit and personality, a spark within them that no broken shell is going to extinguish I was surprised at how much English many of them understand, and a couple even finger spell, so I was able to connect on that level.
Many of the group are struggling with being here, and I understand not everyone feels comfortable with persons with disabilities, at least to start off. I'm glad we had an extended team time, because I think all of us were able to share what's on our hearts and minds, and I want to find ways to encourage those who are uncomfortable. I understand their emotions - the situation sucks. The reason the kids are here is because many of them were abandoned by their families - the culture here views disability as a manifestation of sin and evil, and most people just throw them away. So the reason that they're here is very sad, and heartbreaking. But the care they're getting here is better than elsewhere in Haiti, and getting the love and affection from volunteers and staff here is something most people won't give them. I can see joy in their eyes, and smiles when we're with them, and I know how much God loves them - their spirits are just as special and awesome - literally AWESOME - as anyone else's, and perhaps more so. I'm excited to spend the next few days here, and I think I want to come back someday!
Day Six - Thursday - Second Day at Wings of Hope
Today was a long but good day. We got to sleep in a little bit because breakfast is at 7:30 here instead of 7. We missed feeding breakfast to the kids, but we went over after and Elizabeth gave us a tour of the different classrooms and activities. After that I joined Erwin and Mary (a lady from another group who does physical therapy in Canada) in doing physical therapy with B.J. and then Teddy. It was challenging but rewarding. It felt good to be doing something tangible that benefited them, as well as seeing someone whose gift and career is being put to use in service of others! I spent some time cuddling with Hope and Delome after that. Delome's smile just lights up my day! I had a hard time when lunch came around, it was a little stomach turning, because Fabiola, who I helped feed has trouble, like many of the others, keeping food down, but I know that she appreciated my willingness to stick with it. After lunch with the team, we walked down/and up the hill to the Baptist Mission, which has a shop and a bakery. On the way back, a couple of us who were of age bought some Prestige, a Haitian beer, and passed by the town bakery and got some hot, fresh bread to eat on the walk back. I had a hard time, I think because it was the first time we were out actually walking in the poverty that many people live in, rather than just seeing it from the van. I realized how difficult things are, and that this is daily life for most Haitians - feeling the same feelings and physical sensations they feel. That impacted me. We made it back in time to be there for dinner, and I was able to feed and spend time with Teddy. He's got an awesome smile, and laughs when you talk to him. After our dinner, Maya shared his story. Now one of the head staff members at Wings, he used to be a child slave, but through many routes he ended up as part of the St. Joseph's family. The respect he has for Michael is beautiful. Right now we're sitting in the common room with the girls from two other teams and Elizabeth, just making relationships and bonding. I really enjoy it here. Lisa and I talked with Erwin about interning, and I'm trying to let go of my desires and trust that God will give me the responsibilities I need to have.
Day Six - Friday - Third Day at Wings of Hope
We've been here nearly a full week now! Today has been slowish- I've felt a bit ill most of the day. I'm hoping to feel back to myself tomorrow. This morning, up until lunch time, we hung out with many of the residents on the patio of our guest house, for the weekly dance party, and played music, sung, and danced with the kids. I spent time with Josephine, David and Maritza mostly, but I danced some with Gesner and Pierre. I joined Lauren for a little bit sitting with Junior. She was so sweet with him, and I saw him smile for the first time since I've been here. After lunch with the kids (Lauren and I fed Hope), we ate lunch ourselves. The group of 3 girls from Ontario (Vivi, Meg and Gillian), Elizabeth and the rest of our group, but me and Lauren, went on a hike up the mountain to Kenscoff (sp?). I just knew with how I'm feeling it would've been a bad idea.
It's hard to believe both that we've been in Haiti as long as we have, and that we only have four days left. I would definitely love to come back. Half of me is looking forward to going home - for reasons like seeing my family and friends, running water, my own bed. The other part of me realizes how hard going home will be. Seeing all the excess after seeing the poverty here, being challenged not to just file away the memories but let the trip move me to action, getting caught up in stupid drama and pointless arguments, worrying about things that ultimately don't matter. I think one of my biggest fears is that the magnitude of helping others to care and be moved to action will be too great. It's hard to explain experiences like those we've had here to those who weren't a part of them. I know from being on the other side, that certain things don't translate when they're told as a story...
I know that God has reaffirmed my confidence ins pending time with and caring for those with disabilities. Who knows, maybe someday I'll adopt, foster, teach, give birth to, etc. a child or children with disabilities - I don't know! But it helps to know that God has prepared me for whatever may come. Maybe it's an area in which I'll someday work. I've felt a little out of place, that the poverty here hasn't stirred as much emotional response in me as it has in some of the rest of the team. That's not to say that it doesn't bother/upset me, but maybe I just internalize it, or show it in a different way then some of the others.
The afternoon was a little stressful. Lauren and I showered and then joined the kids for dinner, since the others weren't back yet. I got to feed Lazar and Delome, which was rewarding. After I finished with Delome, I was holding and rocking him, and I looked over at Funa, and asked her "Ou chante?" - you sing?. She nodded, and I started singing Jesus Loves Me, and she joined in. We sang the whole song together, looking at one another, and it just felt really special. It was nice to have a calmer moment with less people around. However, after that, things got a little tense - Steve was very high energy, as always, but at times he got a bit aggressive and wouldn't listen when I asked him to stop. It was very overwhelming, to the point that during team time tonight, I just broke down. I realized that I was struggling with feeling scared and uncomfortable, but not wanting to hurt Steve or anyone else's feelings. Aubrey gave me time to talk with hera and process, which was much needed. I realized a lot of my emotions were not just specific to the situation, but with all the emotional things we've seen this trip, and even stuff from back home, like my parents moving. It felt good to get encouragement and talk with Aubrey, and to realize that I'm growing in lots of ways.
Day 7 - Saturday - Last day at Wings
Today was our last day here at Wings. We actually made it to breakfast with the kids, and hung out after. I spent some time with David and Delome, as well as Josephine. I napped at one point too, because I still haven't been feeling well. Some of the team went to the orphanage down the road, but a few of us stayed here to enjoy our last day with the kids. I've really grown to love them, and I didn't expect saying goodbye to be so hard. I said goodbye to each of them, and then came back to the guest house and just cried and prayed. Lisa was very comforting and Erwin even gave me a hug - I think they realized how close these kids and young adults had become to my heart. I think one of the things I've enjoyed most about this trip is getting to know Erwin, Chris, Lauren and Michael better - I definitely feel like we're all closer friends now. Chris and I also did laundry this morning, and had a chance to chat. He, Lauren and I have talked about sponsoring Jozye once we get back to the states.
Instead of a team meeting tonight, we all sat around, including the girls from Ontario, and played games for a few hours. We started with "Spicy Uno" and played a game of "Fishbowl" too. It was a time of smiling and laughter, and just being together. So many hilarious moments, and we were having such a good time we even kept playing when the power went out. Those are some of my favorite times on trips like this.
I recorded in my journal the names and a little of the personalities of all the people I met and spent time with at Wings of Hope while I was there. For brevity's sake (although I think I passed brief a long time ago), I won't write them all here, but I hope you'll ask me about the amazing spirits and smiles and personalities of the people I met there. I will include their names: David, Delome, Esther, Fabiola, Funa, Gesner, Hope, John, Josephine, Jozye, Junior, Lazar, Mamoune, Marhitza, Raul, Steve, Teddy and Vivianne. There were more, but these were the ones I spent the most time with.
Day 8 - Sunday - Jacmel and all it's Craziness
Today's been a crazy, crazy day. Nothing really went as planned! Our van to take us to Jacmel came at 10 instead of 8, which wasn't too big a deal. The drive to Jacmel was long, hot and very winding. we also broke down a little over half way there. It was quite the adventure. We had a flat tire, I'm pretty sure, and we were stuck for about an hour in the middle of rural mountain Haiti. The adventure came in the fact that I had to pee really bad, and we didn't know how long we'd be there. I sucked it up and Lisa and I went searching for a bathroom. We walked to a lady's home/shop, across the road from where we were broken down, and I asked if she had a "twa-let". She led us over to a shack - literally 3 walls of tin, supported by wooden beams, with a raised rectangular cement hole in the ground. It looked out onto the mountains, so at least that was something to distract me... It was interesting to say the least. After we got back on the road, we drove for about an hour and a half more before we got to Trinity. Jacmel is much different that what we got used to at Wings and St. Joes. we went to the beach, and it was a major culture shock. It was the first time I've ever felt ostracized as a minority. We kept hearing "blanc!blanc!blanc!" which means white, and many of the girls got accosted on some level. It isn't something I want to repeat. I felt sick too, my cold getting worse, so when the boys led us through a steep, overgrown "shortcut" back to the house, things got really bad. They were going so fast, I kept losing my breath, and I began to feel sick, lightheaded and hysterical. It just brought to focus the deficiencies I see in myself physically, especially when one of the boys started mocking me for breathing heavily. I had a meltdown and everyone had to stop and wait, which made me even more self conscious. Aubrey, Lisa and Lauren were all really sweet and encouraging and talked with me. It took me quite awhile to calm down, but I was extremely thankful for the girls.
That night we slept up on the roof of Trinity - or at least started to. We brought our cots up to the roof around 8pm and after waiting awhile for everyone to settle, we had our team meeting. It was cool to all be out there together, looking at the stars. After some prayer time, we all drifted off to sleep. Sometime later, it started to rain. we waited to see if it would just pass over, but ultimately we made it down to our floor right as it started pouring. We all crammed into the room, and made our way back to sleep. Needless to say it wasn't one of the best nights' sleep any of us have ever gotten. It's easy to complain and be in a bad mood, but being thankful in spirit is the more faithful choice. I was thankful for being able to laugh and bond in the long van ride, for the beautiful view from the roadside bathroom, for the cold water at the beach, for the encouragement and support from friends, for laughter on the roof, for the chance to see beautiful stars and talke to God under them. God doesn't always provide what we want, but will always provide what we need in the moment, and looking back at each part of the day, I can see that provision scattered throughout.
Day Nine - Monday - Last day at St. Joe's
The drive back from Jacmel was super long, and by the time we got back we were all pretty tired. We fasted lunch, so I took a shower pretty much right after we got back to St. Joe's. After, I had a chance to nap before we had our fasting service. Erwin led the service, and we opened in prayer, and proceeded to read through the entire book of Luke together. we each read three chapters, and after our designated chapters, shared a brief reflection and prayed aloud. It was actually very peaceful and centering for me, which surprised me, because I expected to have trouble focusing. I especially enjoyed the silent times when others were writing their reflections, when I had the chance to just sit and talk with God. We got to hear Bill tell his tory tonight, and he and Woodward played a few Kreyol songs for us. After, we finished our fasting service, and then shared "bravos" with each other. I was encouraged that people confirmed some of the things I've felt like God was teaching me. Getting to share encouragement with one another was really nice, and I sincerely pray that we maintain the bonds we've formed on this trip. It feels weird to be going home tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about it yet.
I didn't get the chance write in my journal our last day, but it was basically just our travel home. More time together as a team, and talking with one another about adjusting to being back home.
I realize that this has already run much longer than I expected it to, but I hope those of you who made it through to the end can see how much this trip meant to me, and I hope that my actions now that I'm home are in keeping with living out the changes that happened in me while I was there. God gave me a lot to consider, change, and put into action through this trip, and I'm excited to see where life is going!!
However, I've been encouraged to share some of those impactful things, and I've been trying to figure out the best way to do that. What I've decided on is a hybrid - I'm going to go day by day, basically transcribing my journal entries, so that the same progression I saw in myself, others can see, however, I do plan on condensing, editing, and adding commentary where necessary, just for clarity's and privacy's sake. Things in italics are things that I added to my original journal entries.
I hope that those of you who read through this are encouraged, inspired or affected in some way. I know it's extremely long and detailed, so don't feel like you need to read it all - this is almost just as much for me to process through, as it is to share with others. However, I encourage you, if you have the chance, to go on a trip like this that you might not initially see your place in - I didn't know what my place would be in Haiti, and God rewarded me 10x over for putting myself out there in complete trust. Here it goes:
Day One - Saturday - Arrival in Haiti
I don't really even know how to put words to what I'm feeling right now. I had this sense of calm and little worry all through preparing for this trip, and during our travel, but I don't know if that was from God's peace or my naievity of the situations we'll be facing. We aren't even having to face much yet, because St. Joseph's is a relative oasis here in Haiti. But I have seen things that tugged at me - a kid by himself, begging for money next to our stopped van and nearly getting hit; an elderly woman sitting on the edge of the road with her hand out, just looking like she'd given up. A family with a toddler hanging out on their roof, visible from the rooftop garden of St. Joseph's, loving one another, playing, dancing, just living their lives. I can feel this sense of guilt, like i'm taking advantage of people by being here. That I'm in some way benefiting from other's struggles. I don't know yet what to feel or what to do. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, show me, open me to. I want to know how to gain what God wants for me without feeling like I'm taking advantage of the people here. What is going on in my heart that God wants me to pay attention to? How can I relate this experience to my life after the trip? Why I am I here?!
Day Two - Sunday - Worship at St. Joseph's and Visiting the Metalworks District
Last evening (Saturday) was really nice - after our team meeting, we were hanging our on the roof, and some of the boys came up to hang out with us. Ennerson and Steven came up first, and we split into two groups and played War, and then began to teach them how to play Egyptian Rat Slap - they really seemed to find it fun. Patrick, Ralph, and LuLu came up and joined, as well as Wislam and Gastee. Elizabeth, who is a long term missionary who divides her time between Wings and St. Joe's hung out too. We practiced more of our Kreyol and the boys helped us. I definitely felt more comfortable with the boys than I did at first, and it made my heart happy that they wanted to spend time with us.
Morning worship was interesting, I enjoyed it even though I couldn't understand most of it. I honestly think my favorite part was singing This is the Day and Jesus Loves me - all together, those of us from the States, and those from Haiti - because they are such simple songs, but were impactful because we were truly worshiping; worship is NOT about the lighting, the quality of instrumentation or the ability of the singer to emote the proper feeling - it's about being in the moment and connecting with God. We did that! After, we played darts with the boys, and sufice it to say, I wasn't good at all! We traveled around the city for the first time since our van ride to St. Joe's after that; we headed to Epidor for lunch, which was quite an experience. Epidor is the Haitian version of McDonald's, kind of, and has americanized food, but also Haitian staples. It was very overwhelming and hard to figure out how to order. We ended up with more food than we needed and some of it was pretty weird - Brook and Michael ended up with fish heads! After the Epidor we traveled by van to the metal market area of the city. Haitian metalwork is very popular, and can be seen all over the place. There are some beautiful pieces hanging in St. Joe's as well as Wings of Hope. The craftsmen who make the pieces earn their living by selling to tourists and NGO workers. I purchased my first souvineers there, including a mother's day present for my Mom.
Day Three - Monday - Mother Teresa's Hospital for Malnurished Babies, Talking with Michael
Today was definitely hard. We were only even at the MT Hospital for around three hours, and it was completely overwhelming. My stomach is still in knots. We got there this morning around 9am and were there until 12pm. It felt like much longer. We found out the babies aren't abandoned, but that their mothers bring them there because they're suffering from malnutrition and in most cases will bring them home again when they are healthy. The moms also come and visit as often as they can and we were actually there when many of the moms were visiting. I took to holding and playing with the babies much quicker than I expected to, but it was still a learning experience. I changed my first diaper, and began to learn how to know what babies want. The biggest thing they wanted was attention - just to be held, loved, recognized. One I specifically remember was Richmond, who was SO cute. He was old enough that he knew how to give high fives! He also liked to mime facial expressions that we made at him. It was one of the most adorable things ever. The rooms were divided into intake, where the sickest babies were, a room where they were beginning to get healthier, and a room where they are almost ready to go home. I think the most heartbreaking thing was a little girl who was three years old, but who appeared developmentally to be one year old. You could tell how delayed malnutrition had made her, both mentally and physically. Seeing her for the first time and Aubrey telling me how old she was, was the only time I almost lost it while we were there, I'm still kind of in shock.
We were all on edge when we got back - I think it was our way of coping with the devestation we'd seen. Later that evening we had the opportunity to sit with Michael, the founder of St. Joseph's Home for Boys, and the St. Joseph's Family, and here his testimony and heart for service. The following is my response to what he shared. Michael shared about his and the homes' firm spiritual belief that those who come to the home to visit are Christ embodied. He explained the purpose behind greeting us with a cup of cold water, a tradition passed down at St. Joe's from the very beginning, and turned something I hadn't even registered into a truly impactful memory. In his eyes, we ARE Christ, and by quenching our thirst, he not only serves us and blesses our lives, but reminds himself that he is called to recognize Christ in others and be Christ to them. He used the term "Christ in the other" as a reminder that each person we encounter on this trip is Christ - from the boys here, the babies we held, the people we will see the rest of this week and even each other on the team. Even taking this idea back home could have an incredible impact on how I relate with others, if I'm willing to let it. I liked how he stressed the imporance of relationships and one on one encounters, because I feel that not only is that something that Wesley works towards, but could do better, but that the American Church often overlooks completely.
Day Four - Tuesday - MT Home for the Dying and Going Downtown
Today was the hardest day yet for me. After breakfast we headed to Mother Teresa's home for the dying. I knew it would be hard, but I was not prepared for the hopelessness that hung to me after leaving. I was ok while we were there, and held it together, though. The first room we went to had mostly women who were older, but a couple of younger women. I underestimated how difficult the language barrier would be, and how much it would upset me that I couldn't understand better to help them. We started by putting lotion on them and giving massages. One lady, whose name I wish I remembered just seemed so joyful to have physical contact with someone. I just wish I could have talked more with her and been able to understand what she wanted. The second room we went to had mostly young women in their early 20's. We gave some massages but many of them wanted their nails done. There were a few in both rooms I was able to pray for, and even though they couldn't understand what I was saying, I hope they understood how much they were loved. They seemed to appreciate it. Lauren, Lisa and I played cat's cradle withs ome of the younger girls too. While we did, there was a near riot caused by some of they young men on the streets who were trying to force the sisters to give them food. They brandished guns when the other people got upset because the sister was forced to stop distributing food.
As we drove back to St. Joe's I just broke down. I'm not sure exactly what I was feeling, but I guess hopelessness would be the best word for it. The women we saw all had T.B. and knowing that many of them will spend the rest of their lives in and out of those conditions breaks my heart. Knowing that in an alternate universe Grandma would be somewhere like that made me sad too. That Poppa would have died in similar conditions if we lived in Haiti... Going downtown after lunch almost made it harder. Seeing the comparative difference in condition and knowing that the two can coexist within driving distance of one another is just unbelievable. I really disliked the market we went to downtown. It was claustrophobic and all the sellers were very pushy - just very stressful for me after the morning we had. HOwever, I think we bonded as a team through laughter and joking on multiple occasions today, which was an interesting juxtaposition to our morning.
Day Five - Wednesday - Citie Soleil and our First day at Wings of Hope
Today was a long but good day, at least for me, but it was definitely hard for a lot of the team. We went to Citie Soleil this morning, and it was the most poverty stricken area we've been to so far. Roseanne, a friend of the St. Joseph Family, who lives in Citie Soleil with her family, was supposed to give us a tour, but instead she got sick, and her son Pierre took as around. Their house was probably smaller than or about the size of my bedroom and bathroom combined. There are two very tiny rooms that five people share. We also talked with some guys we believed to be part of a gang that "runs" the area. They were nice to us though, but said some very convicting things. That they get hopeful when they see white people come visit because they hope that they will do something to help, but often, they just come, take pictures and leave. We talked as a team about how we don't want to be those people, and have all committed to each supporting Pierre and Roseanne and their family for at least a year to help continue construction on a house outside of Citie Soleil, which they've already begun.
We drove to Wings of Hope after lunch, and stopped at an overlook that you can see all of Port Au Prince from, on the way. Something that struck me that I still can't get over is that there was this restaurant with expensive wine and wrought iron chairs, overlooking a city full of slums, poverty, dying and abandoned people - and the patrons consider it a 'beautiful view'. I just don't understand how they can look at that poverty and not be moved to action! Anyway, we got to Wings in the pouring rain, which was extremely stressful. However, once we settled in, I realized how much I love it here. We jumped right into spending time with the kids after getting a quick tour of the home. They are so sweet, and I felt just a level of peace and near joy just smiling and talking with them, hanging out. I feel the most comfortable here, working with them, that I have all trip so far. The people here are all so unique, sweet and each one has a distinct spirit and personality, a spark within them that no broken shell is going to extinguish I was surprised at how much English many of them understand, and a couple even finger spell, so I was able to connect on that level.
Many of the group are struggling with being here, and I understand not everyone feels comfortable with persons with disabilities, at least to start off. I'm glad we had an extended team time, because I think all of us were able to share what's on our hearts and minds, and I want to find ways to encourage those who are uncomfortable. I understand their emotions - the situation sucks. The reason the kids are here is because many of them were abandoned by their families - the culture here views disability as a manifestation of sin and evil, and most people just throw them away. So the reason that they're here is very sad, and heartbreaking. But the care they're getting here is better than elsewhere in Haiti, and getting the love and affection from volunteers and staff here is something most people won't give them. I can see joy in their eyes, and smiles when we're with them, and I know how much God loves them - their spirits are just as special and awesome - literally AWESOME - as anyone else's, and perhaps more so. I'm excited to spend the next few days here, and I think I want to come back someday!
Day Six - Thursday - Second Day at Wings of Hope
Today was a long but good day. We got to sleep in a little bit because breakfast is at 7:30 here instead of 7. We missed feeding breakfast to the kids, but we went over after and Elizabeth gave us a tour of the different classrooms and activities. After that I joined Erwin and Mary (a lady from another group who does physical therapy in Canada) in doing physical therapy with B.J. and then Teddy. It was challenging but rewarding. It felt good to be doing something tangible that benefited them, as well as seeing someone whose gift and career is being put to use in service of others! I spent some time cuddling with Hope and Delome after that. Delome's smile just lights up my day! I had a hard time when lunch came around, it was a little stomach turning, because Fabiola, who I helped feed has trouble, like many of the others, keeping food down, but I know that she appreciated my willingness to stick with it. After lunch with the team, we walked down/and up the hill to the Baptist Mission, which has a shop and a bakery. On the way back, a couple of us who were of age bought some Prestige, a Haitian beer, and passed by the town bakery and got some hot, fresh bread to eat on the walk back. I had a hard time, I think because it was the first time we were out actually walking in the poverty that many people live in, rather than just seeing it from the van. I realized how difficult things are, and that this is daily life for most Haitians - feeling the same feelings and physical sensations they feel. That impacted me. We made it back in time to be there for dinner, and I was able to feed and spend time with Teddy. He's got an awesome smile, and laughs when you talk to him. After our dinner, Maya shared his story. Now one of the head staff members at Wings, he used to be a child slave, but through many routes he ended up as part of the St. Joseph's family. The respect he has for Michael is beautiful. Right now we're sitting in the common room with the girls from two other teams and Elizabeth, just making relationships and bonding. I really enjoy it here. Lisa and I talked with Erwin about interning, and I'm trying to let go of my desires and trust that God will give me the responsibilities I need to have.
Day Six - Friday - Third Day at Wings of Hope
We've been here nearly a full week now! Today has been slowish- I've felt a bit ill most of the day. I'm hoping to feel back to myself tomorrow. This morning, up until lunch time, we hung out with many of the residents on the patio of our guest house, for the weekly dance party, and played music, sung, and danced with the kids. I spent time with Josephine, David and Maritza mostly, but I danced some with Gesner and Pierre. I joined Lauren for a little bit sitting with Junior. She was so sweet with him, and I saw him smile for the first time since I've been here. After lunch with the kids (Lauren and I fed Hope), we ate lunch ourselves. The group of 3 girls from Ontario (Vivi, Meg and Gillian), Elizabeth and the rest of our group, but me and Lauren, went on a hike up the mountain to Kenscoff (sp?). I just knew with how I'm feeling it would've been a bad idea.
It's hard to believe both that we've been in Haiti as long as we have, and that we only have four days left. I would definitely love to come back. Half of me is looking forward to going home - for reasons like seeing my family and friends, running water, my own bed. The other part of me realizes how hard going home will be. Seeing all the excess after seeing the poverty here, being challenged not to just file away the memories but let the trip move me to action, getting caught up in stupid drama and pointless arguments, worrying about things that ultimately don't matter. I think one of my biggest fears is that the magnitude of helping others to care and be moved to action will be too great. It's hard to explain experiences like those we've had here to those who weren't a part of them. I know from being on the other side, that certain things don't translate when they're told as a story...
I know that God has reaffirmed my confidence ins pending time with and caring for those with disabilities. Who knows, maybe someday I'll adopt, foster, teach, give birth to, etc. a child or children with disabilities - I don't know! But it helps to know that God has prepared me for whatever may come. Maybe it's an area in which I'll someday work. I've felt a little out of place, that the poverty here hasn't stirred as much emotional response in me as it has in some of the rest of the team. That's not to say that it doesn't bother/upset me, but maybe I just internalize it, or show it in a different way then some of the others.
The afternoon was a little stressful. Lauren and I showered and then joined the kids for dinner, since the others weren't back yet. I got to feed Lazar and Delome, which was rewarding. After I finished with Delome, I was holding and rocking him, and I looked over at Funa, and asked her "Ou chante?" - you sing?. She nodded, and I started singing Jesus Loves Me, and she joined in. We sang the whole song together, looking at one another, and it just felt really special. It was nice to have a calmer moment with less people around. However, after that, things got a little tense - Steve was very high energy, as always, but at times he got a bit aggressive and wouldn't listen when I asked him to stop. It was very overwhelming, to the point that during team time tonight, I just broke down. I realized that I was struggling with feeling scared and uncomfortable, but not wanting to hurt Steve or anyone else's feelings. Aubrey gave me time to talk with hera and process, which was much needed. I realized a lot of my emotions were not just specific to the situation, but with all the emotional things we've seen this trip, and even stuff from back home, like my parents moving. It felt good to get encouragement and talk with Aubrey, and to realize that I'm growing in lots of ways.
Day 7 - Saturday - Last day at Wings
Today was our last day here at Wings. We actually made it to breakfast with the kids, and hung out after. I spent some time with David and Delome, as well as Josephine. I napped at one point too, because I still haven't been feeling well. Some of the team went to the orphanage down the road, but a few of us stayed here to enjoy our last day with the kids. I've really grown to love them, and I didn't expect saying goodbye to be so hard. I said goodbye to each of them, and then came back to the guest house and just cried and prayed. Lisa was very comforting and Erwin even gave me a hug - I think they realized how close these kids and young adults had become to my heart. I think one of the things I've enjoyed most about this trip is getting to know Erwin, Chris, Lauren and Michael better - I definitely feel like we're all closer friends now. Chris and I also did laundry this morning, and had a chance to chat. He, Lauren and I have talked about sponsoring Jozye once we get back to the states.
Instead of a team meeting tonight, we all sat around, including the girls from Ontario, and played games for a few hours. We started with "Spicy Uno" and played a game of "Fishbowl" too. It was a time of smiling and laughter, and just being together. So many hilarious moments, and we were having such a good time we even kept playing when the power went out. Those are some of my favorite times on trips like this.
I recorded in my journal the names and a little of the personalities of all the people I met and spent time with at Wings of Hope while I was there. For brevity's sake (although I think I passed brief a long time ago), I won't write them all here, but I hope you'll ask me about the amazing spirits and smiles and personalities of the people I met there. I will include their names: David, Delome, Esther, Fabiola, Funa, Gesner, Hope, John, Josephine, Jozye, Junior, Lazar, Mamoune, Marhitza, Raul, Steve, Teddy and Vivianne. There were more, but these were the ones I spent the most time with.
Day 8 - Sunday - Jacmel and all it's Craziness
Today's been a crazy, crazy day. Nothing really went as planned! Our van to take us to Jacmel came at 10 instead of 8, which wasn't too big a deal. The drive to Jacmel was long, hot and very winding. we also broke down a little over half way there. It was quite the adventure. We had a flat tire, I'm pretty sure, and we were stuck for about an hour in the middle of rural mountain Haiti. The adventure came in the fact that I had to pee really bad, and we didn't know how long we'd be there. I sucked it up and Lisa and I went searching for a bathroom. We walked to a lady's home/shop, across the road from where we were broken down, and I asked if she had a "twa-let". She led us over to a shack - literally 3 walls of tin, supported by wooden beams, with a raised rectangular cement hole in the ground. It looked out onto the mountains, so at least that was something to distract me... It was interesting to say the least. After we got back on the road, we drove for about an hour and a half more before we got to Trinity. Jacmel is much different that what we got used to at Wings and St. Joes. we went to the beach, and it was a major culture shock. It was the first time I've ever felt ostracized as a minority. We kept hearing "blanc!blanc!blanc!" which means white, and many of the girls got accosted on some level. It isn't something I want to repeat. I felt sick too, my cold getting worse, so when the boys led us through a steep, overgrown "shortcut" back to the house, things got really bad. They were going so fast, I kept losing my breath, and I began to feel sick, lightheaded and hysterical. It just brought to focus the deficiencies I see in myself physically, especially when one of the boys started mocking me for breathing heavily. I had a meltdown and everyone had to stop and wait, which made me even more self conscious. Aubrey, Lisa and Lauren were all really sweet and encouraging and talked with me. It took me quite awhile to calm down, but I was extremely thankful for the girls.
That night we slept up on the roof of Trinity - or at least started to. We brought our cots up to the roof around 8pm and after waiting awhile for everyone to settle, we had our team meeting. It was cool to all be out there together, looking at the stars. After some prayer time, we all drifted off to sleep. Sometime later, it started to rain. we waited to see if it would just pass over, but ultimately we made it down to our floor right as it started pouring. We all crammed into the room, and made our way back to sleep. Needless to say it wasn't one of the best nights' sleep any of us have ever gotten. It's easy to complain and be in a bad mood, but being thankful in spirit is the more faithful choice. I was thankful for being able to laugh and bond in the long van ride, for the beautiful view from the roadside bathroom, for the cold water at the beach, for the encouragement and support from friends, for laughter on the roof, for the chance to see beautiful stars and talke to God under them. God doesn't always provide what we want, but will always provide what we need in the moment, and looking back at each part of the day, I can see that provision scattered throughout.
Day Nine - Monday - Last day at St. Joe's
The drive back from Jacmel was super long, and by the time we got back we were all pretty tired. We fasted lunch, so I took a shower pretty much right after we got back to St. Joe's. After, I had a chance to nap before we had our fasting service. Erwin led the service, and we opened in prayer, and proceeded to read through the entire book of Luke together. we each read three chapters, and after our designated chapters, shared a brief reflection and prayed aloud. It was actually very peaceful and centering for me, which surprised me, because I expected to have trouble focusing. I especially enjoyed the silent times when others were writing their reflections, when I had the chance to just sit and talk with God. We got to hear Bill tell his tory tonight, and he and Woodward played a few Kreyol songs for us. After, we finished our fasting service, and then shared "bravos" with each other. I was encouraged that people confirmed some of the things I've felt like God was teaching me. Getting to share encouragement with one another was really nice, and I sincerely pray that we maintain the bonds we've formed on this trip. It feels weird to be going home tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about it yet.
I didn't get the chance write in my journal our last day, but it was basically just our travel home. More time together as a team, and talking with one another about adjusting to being back home.
I realize that this has already run much longer than I expected it to, but I hope those of you who made it through to the end can see how much this trip meant to me, and I hope that my actions now that I'm home are in keeping with living out the changes that happened in me while I was there. God gave me a lot to consider, change, and put into action through this trip, and I'm excited to see where life is going!!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Angry School Rant
Feel Free to Disregard.
I'm SO FREAKING MAD. This semester has been crazy for many reasons, least of which includes the excess of school work and the heavy load that the second semester of Social Work at UCF brings. Dealing with school, family, friend and Wesley stuff, along with internal struggles has left me feeling drained and I'm trying to keep turning to God for comfort and peace.
But I really really really really really can't stand it when Professors can't or won't do their jobs well. I am so blessed, and probably spoiled by Mary Mann. She is an amazing professor, and not only is there for us as people, caring about us as individuals, but she actually TEACHES, and, you know, gives assignments in due time, and realizes that we aren't only in her class. I can't say the same for all my professors.
I came home seething this afternoon from class. We haven't done hardly ANYTHING this semester in this class, he comes in 10 minutes late every week, doesn't even follow the syllabus, doesn't really teach anything, reads from his notes and has us write definitions down verbaitum to be spewed back out for quizzes, gets on tangents that don't really add anything to class content, lets us out usually an hour or more early, and then TODAY, decides to give two major assignments over the next two weeks, at the same time all of us are finishing/working on our major lit reviews for our social work research classes. OH, and he won't give us the outline/rubrics for the assignments until the week before its due. So, for example, our community meeting assignment, in which we have to attend a meeting and then write a paper/present a summary, is due April 10, but we don't get the rubric of what all we need to do/include until April 3, so we have exactly one week to not only find a community meeting, but attend said meeting, write a paper and prepare a presentation, to be presented the following week. MAKES NO SENSE AND I JUST UGHHHH I'm SO ANGRY.
And don't even get me started on my research class. I thought that it was the worst, and that I was frustrated with it and how we were doing assignments and stuff, but even it is an improvement to this stupid Assessing II class. I have no problem that we have these assignments, they're great assignments, but maybe you know, space them out throughout the semester, and you know, actually teach content, and maybe, you know, do your job. -.-
I'm SO FREAKING MAD. This semester has been crazy for many reasons, least of which includes the excess of school work and the heavy load that the second semester of Social Work at UCF brings. Dealing with school, family, friend and Wesley stuff, along with internal struggles has left me feeling drained and I'm trying to keep turning to God for comfort and peace.
But I really really really really really can't stand it when Professors can't or won't do their jobs well. I am so blessed, and probably spoiled by Mary Mann. She is an amazing professor, and not only is there for us as people, caring about us as individuals, but she actually TEACHES, and, you know, gives assignments in due time, and realizes that we aren't only in her class. I can't say the same for all my professors.
I came home seething this afternoon from class. We haven't done hardly ANYTHING this semester in this class, he comes in 10 minutes late every week, doesn't even follow the syllabus, doesn't really teach anything, reads from his notes and has us write definitions down verbaitum to be spewed back out for quizzes, gets on tangents that don't really add anything to class content, lets us out usually an hour or more early, and then TODAY, decides to give two major assignments over the next two weeks, at the same time all of us are finishing/working on our major lit reviews for our social work research classes. OH, and he won't give us the outline/rubrics for the assignments until the week before its due. So, for example, our community meeting assignment, in which we have to attend a meeting and then write a paper/present a summary, is due April 10, but we don't get the rubric of what all we need to do/include until April 3, so we have exactly one week to not only find a community meeting, but attend said meeting, write a paper and prepare a presentation, to be presented the following week. MAKES NO SENSE AND I JUST UGHHHH I'm SO ANGRY.
And don't even get me started on my research class. I thought that it was the worst, and that I was frustrated with it and how we were doing assignments and stuff, but even it is an improvement to this stupid Assessing II class. I have no problem that we have these assignments, they're great assignments, but maybe you know, space them out throughout the semester, and you know, actually teach content, and maybe, you know, do your job. -.-
Monday, March 11, 2013
Roller Coaster Weekend
Spring break is officially over, and I feel like I wasted a lot of it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed getting to spend time with people I don't normally get to see, and even ones I see on a regular basis. I love quality time with the people I love. But I put off a lot of schoolwork and did the whole out of sight out of mind thing, and now I'm facing a bumpy next few weeks full of catching up, being busy and trying not to go insane.
These last few days of break have been pretty crazy and unexpected, to be honest. Friday I finally started (barely) to work on my research paper that I need to have finished or mostly finished by April 5. Which is coming up way too soon. Then I went to training at Zebra for the front desk volunteer position. I'm excited to start volunteering but also scared out of my mind that I won't do a good job, and I don't want to let Dexter, MM or the Zebra team and clients down... So nervous. My first day of volunteering is the 22nd, the day before our group project presentation in Research... not the best planning. Then Lisa and Julie and I had a girls night at Mellow Mushroom, which was really nice.
Saturday I went to niceServe with Lily, Brook and Will and we worked at Beta Center with other summit attendees doing various things around the Center. We cleaned high chairs, carpets, emptied gutters, raked leaves and scrubbed down all the playgrounds. It was so fulfilling and I got to meet new people and even make a new friend. Then I found out that a friend of mine who I lost touch with in the last year or so unexpectedly passed away Friday night. It was so shocking and jarring, I didn't even know what to think or feel at first. I ended up being the one who told a couple of our mutual friends, two of whom lived with this person and were like brothers with him. It was heartbreaking for me... He was one of the first people I became friends with at Wesley, and one of the people who was there for me initially when I started struggling during my freshman year... He is one of the people from whom I have a letter of encouragement in my "box" that Dan had me put together to turn to when I'm feeling down. The sad thing is that we haven't been close since the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and I was actually really hurt by a lot of things that he did. I held a lot of bitterness and cynicism towards him, and never resolved that or was able to talk it out with him. I honestly didn't think I needed to or really think much about it, but now I'll never get the chance to. I just hope he knows that I'm sorry. That I'm sorry that I let myself be judgemental and cynical and let that cloud how I thought of him. And I also hope he knows that he will forever have had an impact on my life - that he impacted so many lives...
Saturday night a group of us got together at Brittany's apartment and had a prayer gathering to pray for his wife (of 3 weeks) and his parents and family. I didn't even know if it was appropriate for me to go or not, I was afraid I'd be called out for being there since I've really only been judgmental and cynical towards him for the last year or so... I guess guilt was the best way to describe what I was feeling. But no one seemed to feel that way, at least they didn't tell me so, which I'm thankful for. I don't want it to seem fake... I just regret that it took this happening for me to realize all this... We sang worship together, prayed quietly and aloud, shared scripture and shared fond memories of him. It was true Wesley style, and exactly what he would have wanted. Everyone's still reeling, and in disbelief that this even happened. He's my first "peer" to pass away, the first person I was relatively close to that wasn't a family member. It's strange, and heartbreaking. I pray though that God will provide strength and comfort to everyone struggling with his passing - that we will all turn towards Him and draw near to Him for comfort, instead of away from him in confusion and anger. Not sure yet when the Memorial Service will be but I hope that I can attend. I hope as many people as possible from Wesley that he impacted can be there - to show his wife and his family how many lives he impacted and played a part in. I hope that he is able to feel it or see it too.
Sunday I ended up wasting, at least until the evening. I slept way too much and just moped about. Summit tonight was very convicting and I just felt heavy all during the service and still do now. I know guilt isn't from the Lord, but I'm struggling with how to translate it into something healthy and productive. I should already be in bed but the time change is messing with my body clock, and this week is going to be hectic, frantic and isn't going to slow down from the moment I wake up tomorrow morning. This is the time that I need to continually be turning back to Christ and centering myself in His peace. I'm not the greatest at that but I need to try my hardest, because it's the only way I'm going to make it through this week and really the rest of this crazy semester.
Despite everything that can go wrong in life, knowing that Christ is with us is enough. It has to be.
These last few days of break have been pretty crazy and unexpected, to be honest. Friday I finally started (barely) to work on my research paper that I need to have finished or mostly finished by April 5. Which is coming up way too soon. Then I went to training at Zebra for the front desk volunteer position. I'm excited to start volunteering but also scared out of my mind that I won't do a good job, and I don't want to let Dexter, MM or the Zebra team and clients down... So nervous. My first day of volunteering is the 22nd, the day before our group project presentation in Research... not the best planning. Then Lisa and Julie and I had a girls night at Mellow Mushroom, which was really nice.
Saturday I went to niceServe with Lily, Brook and Will and we worked at Beta Center with other summit attendees doing various things around the Center. We cleaned high chairs, carpets, emptied gutters, raked leaves and scrubbed down all the playgrounds. It was so fulfilling and I got to meet new people and even make a new friend. Then I found out that a friend of mine who I lost touch with in the last year or so unexpectedly passed away Friday night. It was so shocking and jarring, I didn't even know what to think or feel at first. I ended up being the one who told a couple of our mutual friends, two of whom lived with this person and were like brothers with him. It was heartbreaking for me... He was one of the first people I became friends with at Wesley, and one of the people who was there for me initially when I started struggling during my freshman year... He is one of the people from whom I have a letter of encouragement in my "box" that Dan had me put together to turn to when I'm feeling down. The sad thing is that we haven't been close since the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and I was actually really hurt by a lot of things that he did. I held a lot of bitterness and cynicism towards him, and never resolved that or was able to talk it out with him. I honestly didn't think I needed to or really think much about it, but now I'll never get the chance to. I just hope he knows that I'm sorry. That I'm sorry that I let myself be judgemental and cynical and let that cloud how I thought of him. And I also hope he knows that he will forever have had an impact on my life - that he impacted so many lives...
Saturday night a group of us got together at Brittany's apartment and had a prayer gathering to pray for his wife (of 3 weeks) and his parents and family. I didn't even know if it was appropriate for me to go or not, I was afraid I'd be called out for being there since I've really only been judgmental and cynical towards him for the last year or so... I guess guilt was the best way to describe what I was feeling. But no one seemed to feel that way, at least they didn't tell me so, which I'm thankful for. I don't want it to seem fake... I just regret that it took this happening for me to realize all this... We sang worship together, prayed quietly and aloud, shared scripture and shared fond memories of him. It was true Wesley style, and exactly what he would have wanted. Everyone's still reeling, and in disbelief that this even happened. He's my first "peer" to pass away, the first person I was relatively close to that wasn't a family member. It's strange, and heartbreaking. I pray though that God will provide strength and comfort to everyone struggling with his passing - that we will all turn towards Him and draw near to Him for comfort, instead of away from him in confusion and anger. Not sure yet when the Memorial Service will be but I hope that I can attend. I hope as many people as possible from Wesley that he impacted can be there - to show his wife and his family how many lives he impacted and played a part in. I hope that he is able to feel it or see it too.
Sunday I ended up wasting, at least until the evening. I slept way too much and just moped about. Summit tonight was very convicting and I just felt heavy all during the service and still do now. I know guilt isn't from the Lord, but I'm struggling with how to translate it into something healthy and productive. I should already be in bed but the time change is messing with my body clock, and this week is going to be hectic, frantic and isn't going to slow down from the moment I wake up tomorrow morning. This is the time that I need to continually be turning back to Christ and centering myself in His peace. I'm not the greatest at that but I need to try my hardest, because it's the only way I'm going to make it through this week and really the rest of this crazy semester.
Despite everything that can go wrong in life, knowing that Christ is with us is enough. It has to be.
RIP Shredder Dave. You will be missed. ♥
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Happy Birthday to me :)
I had a really amazing birthday. Both the actual day of that I spent with my family, and the party that I had with my friends this past weekend. It was honestly one of the best birthdays I've had in a very very long time. My actual birthday I spent with my parents. They came with me to Summit, and we spent the afternoon together - ate lunch, opened presents, watched home movies (which was part of my birthday presents - they had our old videos transferred to dvds) - and they took me out to dinner at Melting Pot, and we came home to watch the Oscars. I have an amazing relationship with my parents, and of late, we haven't had a lot of quality time together, so it was honestly exactly what I wanted to do on my birthday!
This past weekend I celebrated my 21st with my friends! Nothing crazy - but what was crazy was how loved and celebrated I felt. It was amazing to see all the people that actually wanted to come out for an evening to celebrate my birthday. It probably sounds silly, but it was really really amazing just to feel special. I'm not really good at having the attention on me, but in the low key setting of dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, it was just what my heart needed. We ate dinner at CPK, and then a smaller group of us headed over to friendly confines. Celebrating your birthday at restaurants has its advantages - I got a free birthday dessert (which was delicious) at CPK, and a free birthday shot at FC!). I ended the night with Charlie and Julie watching the Hunger Games. All in all, a wonderful, perfect birthday.
It's hard to believe spring break is already past its half way point! This semester is going by SO fast, and I'm having trouble staying invested in my studies. Things just aren't super engaging this semester, which is unfortunate, and I really can't afford to check out yet, considering how much I still have to do between now and the end of the semester. It's not unmanageable, but it will be hard. I really need to get my butt in gear! I probably should've waited to start back up netflix... Dr. Who is definitely messing with my productivity. :(
Overall, though, in a positive place with life right now. Lots of things to look forward to in the next month and a half to balance out the difficult school work ahead. I know all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, but I really hope I haven't strayed too far in the other direction! Buckle down time - NOW.
This past weekend I celebrated my 21st with my friends! Nothing crazy - but what was crazy was how loved and celebrated I felt. It was amazing to see all the people that actually wanted to come out for an evening to celebrate my birthday. It probably sounds silly, but it was really really amazing just to feel special. I'm not really good at having the attention on me, but in the low key setting of dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, it was just what my heart needed. We ate dinner at CPK, and then a smaller group of us headed over to friendly confines. Celebrating your birthday at restaurants has its advantages - I got a free birthday dessert (which was delicious) at CPK, and a free birthday shot at FC!). I ended the night with Charlie and Julie watching the Hunger Games. All in all, a wonderful, perfect birthday.
It's hard to believe spring break is already past its half way point! This semester is going by SO fast, and I'm having trouble staying invested in my studies. Things just aren't super engaging this semester, which is unfortunate, and I really can't afford to check out yet, considering how much I still have to do between now and the end of the semester. It's not unmanageable, but it will be hard. I really need to get my butt in gear! I probably should've waited to start back up netflix... Dr. Who is definitely messing with my productivity. :(
Overall, though, in a positive place with life right now. Lots of things to look forward to in the next month and a half to balance out the difficult school work ahead. I know all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, but I really hope I haven't strayed too far in the other direction! Buckle down time - NOW.
Friday, February 22, 2013
How being sick actually made me healthier...
It's been awhile since I wrote, and let's just say since the beginning of the year life has been speeding by quicker than I can even think! It's almost March, already! My 21st birthday is 3 days away, and spring break is in two weeks. Before I know it, the semester will be over, and I'll be headed to Haiti with Wesley. Sometimes it seems like when we want most for time to slow down it speeds up. Just thinking about all of the school work and such that I have to do between now and then is enough to send me into "tornado" mode! But, thankfully, I just have to remember to have some perspective.
It's almost my birthday, y'all. I'm pretty dang excited. I've played my cards just right, and I'm going to end up getting to celebrate over the course of a whole week! Woo! But seriously, I'm most excited just to make memories with the people I love. I've learned lots of things ever since I started college, but one thing stands out right now, and that is that I'm more of a people person than I like to think I am. That is, I feed off of relationships. Quality relationships. That's why Quality Time is tied with physical touch as my top love language. So the more time I get to have with the quality people in my life, the happier I am :).
Also, being sick, and participating in fasts for Lent has been really good for me, actually. I feel more fulfilled than I did before both started. I'm just now getting over being sick with some sort of allergy attack (sore throat, stuffy/sneezy/runny nose, fatigue, etc.), but being sick actually was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to stop, slow down and rest. To have some perspective, and surprisingly, it's helped me let go of a lot of my stress, when I expected it to do the exact opposite. It's also been amazing to be free of facebook!! I honestly have not missed it as much as I expected to. For being someone who is on facebook way too much usually, it's actually been really liberating to not allow myself on. I've actually had time to read for fun, books that I've been wanting to read for months but "didn't have time to read" - go figure! And, wonder of wonders, I've actually really noticed a difference in my mood, stress level and overall outlook on life now that I've been prioritizing quiet time in my Bible and in prayer. Crazy, right? :p
I'm incredibly thankful. I feel great, and no, life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, and there are things that I can improve, and stuff that still bugs me - but a little perspective can make all the difference. I'm not as tightly wound, I feel a bit more easy going, and ultimately, I've realized it's all because I'm actually trusting God. I'm not trying to control things (as much), and I'm letting Him give me peace, instead of pushing it away and being restless, like I normally do. It's really refreshing.
I've already started, and am heading into, one of the most hectic, busy, and full parts of the semester, and really college overall, and I'm OK. In fact, I'm better than ok, I'm excited! And the best part is, I can't take ANY credit for it. Jesus is pretty cool that way.
♥
It's almost my birthday, y'all. I'm pretty dang excited. I've played my cards just right, and I'm going to end up getting to celebrate over the course of a whole week! Woo! But seriously, I'm most excited just to make memories with the people I love. I've learned lots of things ever since I started college, but one thing stands out right now, and that is that I'm more of a people person than I like to think I am. That is, I feed off of relationships. Quality relationships. That's why Quality Time is tied with physical touch as my top love language. So the more time I get to have with the quality people in my life, the happier I am :).
Also, being sick, and participating in fasts for Lent has been really good for me, actually. I feel more fulfilled than I did before both started. I'm just now getting over being sick with some sort of allergy attack (sore throat, stuffy/sneezy/runny nose, fatigue, etc.), but being sick actually was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to stop, slow down and rest. To have some perspective, and surprisingly, it's helped me let go of a lot of my stress, when I expected it to do the exact opposite. It's also been amazing to be free of facebook!! I honestly have not missed it as much as I expected to. For being someone who is on facebook way too much usually, it's actually been really liberating to not allow myself on. I've actually had time to read for fun, books that I've been wanting to read for months but "didn't have time to read" - go figure! And, wonder of wonders, I've actually really noticed a difference in my mood, stress level and overall outlook on life now that I've been prioritizing quiet time in my Bible and in prayer. Crazy, right? :p
I'm incredibly thankful. I feel great, and no, life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, and there are things that I can improve, and stuff that still bugs me - but a little perspective can make all the difference. I'm not as tightly wound, I feel a bit more easy going, and ultimately, I've realized it's all because I'm actually trusting God. I'm not trying to control things (as much), and I'm letting Him give me peace, instead of pushing it away and being restless, like I normally do. It's really refreshing.
I've already started, and am heading into, one of the most hectic, busy, and full parts of the semester, and really college overall, and I'm OK. In fact, I'm better than ok, I'm excited! And the best part is, I can't take ANY credit for it. Jesus is pretty cool that way.
♥
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The Blessings & Curses of Social Work
I've successfully completed the first week of the Spring 2013 semester, and I think that I will enjoy and be challenged by all my classes this semester. There's a heckuva lot of reading for each class though, so my biggest challenge will be staying on top of assignments and not letting myself be overwhelmed.
I will say though that being a social work major comes with many blessings and many curses... It's a blessing to be aware of things in this world and be able to enact some change around issues that we are passionate about. It's a blessing to learn theories and techniques to help others and empower them. It's a blessing to fight for justice and human rights.
It can be a curse though to know what we know about issues like homophobia, sexism, racism, classism, ableism, etc. To know the statistics, the horror stories. It's a curse to often not be able to open the eyes of even those close to us of some of these issues, and it's a curse to live from a social work perspective when much of the world does not. Life would be easier if we were still ignorant to the way things that are said or done can affect our fellow man. We wouldn't get hot under the collar or bothered or upset as easily. We'd have less bumpy relationships with friends and relatives who haven't had the opportunity to have the workshops, role-plays, classes, etc we have, and therefore might not know what they say is hurtful or could be.
But we also wouldn't be true to ourselves, to our major, or our future profession. And we especially would be letting down our fellow human beings. I am proud to be a social work major, even if I get a reputation as being difficult, or "the squeaky wheel", as the lovely Mary Mann calls those in our field. I know that the people whose opinions and love I value will still love me, even if they don't necessarily agree with me, and even better, I might actually be able to give them a new perspective that they hadn't thought of before.
This semester should be interesting - heavy academically, I'm more involved in leadership at Wesley, and I am hoping to become a regular volunteer at Zebra Coalition... I believe I can do it though, I simply need to stay focused, care for myself, pray a LOT and remember that what is meant to be will be.
♥
I will say though that being a social work major comes with many blessings and many curses... It's a blessing to be aware of things in this world and be able to enact some change around issues that we are passionate about. It's a blessing to learn theories and techniques to help others and empower them. It's a blessing to fight for justice and human rights.
It can be a curse though to know what we know about issues like homophobia, sexism, racism, classism, ableism, etc. To know the statistics, the horror stories. It's a curse to often not be able to open the eyes of even those close to us of some of these issues, and it's a curse to live from a social work perspective when much of the world does not. Life would be easier if we were still ignorant to the way things that are said or done can affect our fellow man. We wouldn't get hot under the collar or bothered or upset as easily. We'd have less bumpy relationships with friends and relatives who haven't had the opportunity to have the workshops, role-plays, classes, etc we have, and therefore might not know what they say is hurtful or could be.
But we also wouldn't be true to ourselves, to our major, or our future profession. And we especially would be letting down our fellow human beings. I am proud to be a social work major, even if I get a reputation as being difficult, or "the squeaky wheel", as the lovely Mary Mann calls those in our field. I know that the people whose opinions and love I value will still love me, even if they don't necessarily agree with me, and even better, I might actually be able to give them a new perspective that they hadn't thought of before.
This semester should be interesting - heavy academically, I'm more involved in leadership at Wesley, and I am hoping to become a regular volunteer at Zebra Coalition... I believe I can do it though, I simply need to stay focused, care for myself, pray a LOT and remember that what is meant to be will be.
♥
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Stories from CFL Wesley: Leadership Retreat 2
Stories from CFL Wesley: Leadership Retreat 2: Humility. That is the word I would use to describe what the most recent leadership retreat taught me. I will admit I walked into the retre...
Guest Post I made over on the Wesley Blog. Check it out!
Guest Post I made over on the Wesley Blog. Check it out!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Things to do in 2013
Not necessarily calling these resolutions, because I know that I probably won't be able to keep up with all of them. But these are things that I would like to accomplish in the next year... hoping to be able to come back a year from now and check off all of them ;)
In no particular order....
In no particular order....
- Eat healthier
- Have a regular gym routine
- Apply for grad school
- Apply for graduation
- Secure an internship (preferably with Zebra Coalition)
- Volunteer on a regular basis with Zebra Coalition and City Life Club
- Get a job
- Read at least 15 good books
See a musical in a theater- Go on a girls weekend with my best friend
Take a road trip- Paint more. Draw more. Write more.
- Attend church and Wesley regularly
- Get baptized at Summit
- Go to a theme park
Visit my friends in TallahasseeSpend quality time with my grandma- Spend more time outside
- Watch less T.V
Make new friends- Meet a boy?
Go on a missions trip- Have a happy year!
Just to name a few.
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