It's been a total of four full days since my parents packed their things and officially moved to Winston-Salem, North Carolina, relocating for my dad's new job at Wells Fargo. The job, and the location, are blessings, and after almost a full year of being unemployed, I know my dad is already getting back into the groove of a 9 to 5 job, and that God provided exactly when it was needed - no sooner and no later.
However, the transition has not been easy, and it's only the beginning. I'm not going to lie, I've had a really hard time adjusting to "real adult life". The timing is about is good as a move that splits up a household can get, seeing that it's summer, but personally, the timing's been pretty crappy. It's been a hard summer, for lots of different reasons, and so having the added stress of a new family situation, as well as preparing to have two new roommates, has been really difficult. I've cried more times than I would like to admit in the last four days, and, as pathetic as it may sound, being alone in my house is one of my least favorite things. I may be an introvert, but I do need that human interaction... Pinterest, movies and bad reality tv only get me so far. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who have a lot of grace for me, as well as a lot of love, and have been helping me deal with this new life.
That being said, I can see glimpses of it getting better, and as long as I keep a positive attitude, I can be assured that it will be alright. It's a new normal, and that's going to take time to get used to. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible. I think part of the reason things have been so tough since I've been back from Haiti is that I've let bad habits and laziness creep their way back in from the disciplined and continuous communication I had with God while I was in Haiti. It was easy there to wake up, and go up to the roof to spend time journaling and reading my Bible, it was easy to see God moving in my life and the lives of my teammates and the people we spent time with, it was easy to see how powerful prayer can be. Real life has a way of clouding things, seeping in and crusting over like mold on bread that's been left in the dark for too long. My spiritual life's become like that bread, because I've been neglecting the things that I know from experience are so beneficial - quiet, alone time with God, journaling, reading through my Bible, etc. And by neglecting those things, I've distanced myself from the Peace and the Reassurance that would be so beneficial in the midst of all of the chaos going on right now.
The other night at Summit I thought of it kind of like getting back to the gym. I've been wanting and talking about getting back to the gym, because I know I need to, but also because it provides some of the best natural relief from stress and sadness and anxiety. I've kept putting it off because I know that I've lost most of the progress I made before, and I'm going to basically have to start from scratch, which means lots of pushing through the pain, aching muscles and retraining my body to enjoy exercise. My spiritual life is basically in the same place. I've been putting off getting back into those good habits because I know it's going to be painful. I've let those "spiritual muscles" atrophy, and it's not going to be painless getting them back to where I want them to be. I tend to live my life, in lots of different areas, from a fear based point of view. Fear of what others will think of me, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not meeting my standards or the standards of those around me, fear of the truth about myself, and the list goes on. But if I live my life in fear forever, I'm never going to take those, as cliche as the phrase is, leaps of faith, that I need to to live the best possible life God has for me. I can live my life skating by at the bare minimum, but when the time comes and my time here is over, would I really be proud of a life story of bare minimums?
No, I wouldn't. Experiencing and actually living life requires risk. Failure to act and failure to make decisions are decisions in and of themselves, and they have their own consequences. As scary as it is, I'd rather deal with the consequences of taking some risks in my life, than the consequences of never trying to actually live.
It's easy to talk all this talk though, and I know it's not going to be easy to keep a positive attitude, to make better habits, to take those risks. It's going to suck at first, and it's probably going to suck at times even later down the road. But in the end, it's going to be worth it. I have to believe that, because otherwise, what's the point?
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