These last few days of break have been pretty crazy and unexpected, to be honest. Friday I finally started (barely) to work on my research paper that I need to have finished or mostly finished by April 5. Which is coming up way too soon. Then I went to training at Zebra for the front desk volunteer position. I'm excited to start volunteering but also scared out of my mind that I won't do a good job, and I don't want to let Dexter, MM or the Zebra team and clients down... So nervous. My first day of volunteering is the 22nd, the day before our group project presentation in Research... not the best planning. Then Lisa and Julie and I had a girls night at Mellow Mushroom, which was really nice.
Saturday I went to niceServe with Lily, Brook and Will and we worked at Beta Center with other summit attendees doing various things around the Center. We cleaned high chairs, carpets, emptied gutters, raked leaves and scrubbed down all the playgrounds. It was so fulfilling and I got to meet new people and even make a new friend. Then I found out that a friend of mine who I lost touch with in the last year or so unexpectedly passed away Friday night. It was so shocking and jarring, I didn't even know what to think or feel at first. I ended up being the one who told a couple of our mutual friends, two of whom lived with this person and were like brothers with him. It was heartbreaking for me... He was one of the first people I became friends with at Wesley, and one of the people who was there for me initially when I started struggling during my freshman year... He is one of the people from whom I have a letter of encouragement in my "box" that Dan had me put together to turn to when I'm feeling down. The sad thing is that we haven't been close since the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and I was actually really hurt by a lot of things that he did. I held a lot of bitterness and cynicism towards him, and never resolved that or was able to talk it out with him. I honestly didn't think I needed to or really think much about it, but now I'll never get the chance to. I just hope he knows that I'm sorry. That I'm sorry that I let myself be judgemental and cynical and let that cloud how I thought of him. And I also hope he knows that he will forever have had an impact on my life - that he impacted so many lives...
Saturday night a group of us got together at Brittany's apartment and had a prayer gathering to pray for his wife (of 3 weeks) and his parents and family. I didn't even know if it was appropriate for me to go or not, I was afraid I'd be called out for being there since I've really only been judgmental and cynical towards him for the last year or so... I guess guilt was the best way to describe what I was feeling. But no one seemed to feel that way, at least they didn't tell me so, which I'm thankful for. I don't want it to seem fake... I just regret that it took this happening for me to realize all this... We sang worship together, prayed quietly and aloud, shared scripture and shared fond memories of him. It was true Wesley style, and exactly what he would have wanted. Everyone's still reeling, and in disbelief that this even happened. He's my first "peer" to pass away, the first person I was relatively close to that wasn't a family member. It's strange, and heartbreaking. I pray though that God will provide strength and comfort to everyone struggling with his passing - that we will all turn towards Him and draw near to Him for comfort, instead of away from him in confusion and anger. Not sure yet when the Memorial Service will be but I hope that I can attend. I hope as many people as possible from Wesley that he impacted can be there - to show his wife and his family how many lives he impacted and played a part in. I hope that he is able to feel it or see it too.
Sunday I ended up wasting, at least until the evening. I slept way too much and just moped about. Summit tonight was very convicting and I just felt heavy all during the service and still do now. I know guilt isn't from the Lord, but I'm struggling with how to translate it into something healthy and productive. I should already be in bed but the time change is messing with my body clock, and this week is going to be hectic, frantic and isn't going to slow down from the moment I wake up tomorrow morning. This is the time that I need to continually be turning back to Christ and centering myself in His peace. I'm not the greatest at that but I need to try my hardest, because it's the only way I'm going to make it through this week and really the rest of this crazy semester.
Despite everything that can go wrong in life, knowing that Christ is with us is enough. It has to be.
RIP Shredder Dave. You will be missed. ♥
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